just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
