just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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