If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
