I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
