You smell like stripper and shame
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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