My nipple is on Facebook.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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