Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
