I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
