I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I didn't notice because vodka
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
