Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
