Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize