Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
