We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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