Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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