Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My feet surprised me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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