So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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