so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
