Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
