Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
