3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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