lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
