At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm sobbing to NWA
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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