walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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