a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
