Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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