there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
