I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize