woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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