it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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