in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
