marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
