Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
