i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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