never play flip cup with pint glasses
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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