Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
