can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
