you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
