Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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