apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
