Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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