I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
