I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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