4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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