"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
