New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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