Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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