i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
