In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
