why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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