I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
