I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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