Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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