the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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