I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
