the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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