Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
