I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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