took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
