If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
