I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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