thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
