my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
