Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
