I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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