why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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