hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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