i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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