Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Randomize
