I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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