tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
