so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Boobs speak an international language.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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